Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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