Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
God, I missed his penis.
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