I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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