Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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