why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
