nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
