oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
