Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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