Well douche your snatch and let's go!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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