He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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