I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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