Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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