I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
