My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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