Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
