Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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