im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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