you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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