well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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