y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
