Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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