A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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