I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
