just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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