just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
