I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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