I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
