i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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