I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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