I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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