Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
