I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
