8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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