I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think your dad took our porno
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
