I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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