I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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