Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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