Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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