being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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