I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
