i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina