Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
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I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
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I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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