They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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