The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize