Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
