So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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