OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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