his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
