note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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