you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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