We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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