tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
