We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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